If you ever meet my hubs and I in real life, you will discover that we have a strong commitment to this thing called marriage. We have the most imperfect marriage ever and we like it that way.
After my hubs and I got married during our $500 wedding ceremony, I called my Grandmama to tell her that I had gotten married. She offered up this advice to me:
“Marriage is the hardest thing that you will ever work for in your life. There will be days when you are sitting across from each other at the dinner table wondering why in the world you married that person and there will be days when your love is oozing from your pores. There will be rough patches that will make you question everything and there will be times of sheer bliss. During the good and bad times, always remember that moment on your wedding day when you said “I Do” – you made a commitment to see this thing through and that is the only way that it will work.”
My late Grandmama was so wise. Her advice has stuck with my hubs and I throughout our almost six years of marriage. Even during times of struggle like having kids.
I know, most people would never dare say that their kids put an enormous strain on their marriage but when we brought home our oldest child, it made our marriage take a drastic turn. It was a serious challenge that I was not even sure how we were going to get through it. However, keeping my promise to my Grandmama, we both remembered why we made our commitment in the first place and had work hard at that whole communicating thing.
Everyone complains about how the Disney fairy tale is not real, but I disagree. I believe the fairy tale is real, but Disney only shows you a portion of the story. The princesses all had to go through hell first before they could find their prince – Cinderella was treated horribly by her stepmother and stepsisters, Ariel had to lose her voice, and Belle had to fall in love with a beast. They all struggled before finding bliss and to me that is what marriage is all about.
You have got to through hell fire before experiencing bliss. There are and will be rough patches in any marriage, whether it is having kids, experiencing a major loss, financial hardship, or something else entirely. Marriage is not easy, if it was, everyone would get married and stay married.
These are our habits for how to have a great marriage, but do not be fooled, marriage is hard work and it is something that must be tended to regularly. These habits should and will change over time.
Our Reason for Marriage
My hubs and I both are from divorced families. Our families got divorced for the same reasons and we have seen firsthand what happens when marriage falls apart. Even though our families specific divorces were very different (I was seven when my parents divorced but my parents were very committed to keeping things “normal” for my brother and I.), we decided before we walked down the aisle that when we said “I Do”, that meant no divorce so we better be sure that we wanted this.
We Are a Team
Since my hubs and I were some of the first among our friends to get married (we were 23 and 24 years old), we were often met with the “there is no difference between living together and being married” statement. My hubs and I both disagree and we lived together before we were married. Even though our situation had not changed, we truly became one – it was us against the world.
That is what I believe the point of marriage is supposed to be. It is supposed to be the two of you against whatever may come, come hell or high water.
Forgiveness
The hardest lesson I have learned in this adventure called marriage is that forgiveness must happen often. You must be willing to forgive and be willing to ask for forgiveness when needed. As a truly selfish person, I do not like having to ask for forgiveness or admit when I am wrong. I would rather pretend that nothing happened and move on, but that is not how it works.
To make our marriage work we have to forgive and forgive often. If Christ can forgive us for our sins, we have to forgive our spouses of their sins and it definitely is not always easy.
Communication
Some girls want flowers and to be doted upon. I on the other hand just want openness – raw, deep, unedited openness. I want an honesty that cannot be found anywhere else. I want to be able to share comfortably with my hubs all the weird, crazy, embarrassing, and awesome moments that happen in my life free from judgement. That is what I find romantic – the fact that my hubs and I can talk in a way that we cannot with others.
Communication is key in a marriage; there is no doubt about that. However, all too often we fail at communicating effectively with our spouse. I know that my hubs and I sometimes still struggle with communicating, because life is always changing. The way we communicated in one season of life may not work for the next season. I love this quote from the book The Connection Principle* by Chuck Taylor:
“The communication gap is the poison that slowly kills marriages. The longer you have been married the wider the gap tends to grow and the more space there feels like there is between the two of you.”
Do not let the communication gap get too big in your marriage. Find a way to make communication top priority. (The Connection Principle* is a great workbook to help you work on your communication. It is super practical and contains some amazing helpful tips to communicating effectively with your spouse.)
These are just a few of the habits that Pat and I attempt keep alive in our imperfect marriage. It is not easy being married, but I truly believe that it is one of the greatest blessings that God can give you.
What is one of your habits for an amazing marriage?
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Kirsten says
This is a great, very helpful post. My hubs and I have a strong commitment to our marriage, mostly because of our Christian faith. But man have kids made it miserable. We also have some issues with career and commute and add the debt in. Whew! But I’ve been saying for awhile that the problems all boil down to communication. I’ll be checking out the book.
Jessi says
Kids definitely change things! When we first brought home our oldest, I thought we were going to end up getting divorced and everyone couldn’t believe that I said having a kid changed so much of our marriage. That was until a friend of mine confessed the same thing and reminded that communication is key. Sometimes that is all we need to hear. 🙂
Amy @ DebtGal says
It sounds like you have a great marriage, Jessi! My husband and I have our moments, but thankfully they’re usually just because of our stubbornness and over silly things. (I know it’s a cliche, but I want the dishwasher loaded the way I want it loaded!) Opening up to him about our debt and working on it together has been a really rewarding experience.
Jessi says
Hahhhaaa! Heck I wish my hubs would load the dishwasher. 😉
Becca says
We’ve been married 15 years and together 20. I totally agree that marriage is different to living together – it might be ‘just a piece of paper’ but that piece of paper means something, it means a legal (and depending on the people involved, religious) commitment to each other.
I was going to say my husband and I haven’t had many challenges. But we have; the thing is, they don’t seem like challenges, because we face them together and just keep going. To give one example – Our son is deaf. When this was diagnosed we spent about 5 seconds playing the “was it something I did” game (it probably wasn’t – our ENT tells us that he was almost certainly just born that way, just the luck of the draw) and then we realised it didn’t matter, what mattered was what we did from here on out to make his life easier. Whenever one of us felt down about it, the other was there to say, “So he’s deaf. He’s also funny and smart and loving and wonderful.” I never thought it was anything unusual until I went to an event a few weeks ago with parents of other deaf children. So many of them were still stuck in the “why did this happen to me” phase – even though their children were 10 or 12 and communicating normally, all they could see was that their child was deaf. Whereas, with us, that’s the least-important thing about our son. I can see now how something like that could destroy a marriage, if you let it.
On paper our marriage should not work. We tick every box in the “this marriage will never last” category – age gap, I married young, religious differences, different cultures, one of us had to give up our country and culture and move half a world away from our family of origin, I mean, we have everything going against us. But we have the most important things going for us: We love each other. We’re a team. He’s my best friend and I’m his. We’re just better together than we are apart.
Jessi says
God bless you Becca! Y’all rock and what an amazing challenge that y’all have overcome together and I’m sure that your son will be able to conquer anything because he such amazing parents as role models! 🙂
Rosemarie Groner says
Yes! Yes! and Yes! I loved this and just got the Connection Principle is the Ultimate Bundle Sale this week! Kids are the best thing that will ever happen to you… but that first year or so is rough! We made up a little thing for our second child. I made a joke about wanting some sort of visual around the house to help me keep things in perspective when the new baby came. He sent me this you tube video of the galaxy and how we all relate in size. It was awe-inspiring. 4 months later. we both still say “Just remember the universe” when we’re ready to have a break down. 🙂
Jessi says
Oh that’s a good one Rosemarie! I love that!
Rosemarie Groner says
I’m reading back on this today with my youngest as a 2 year old and laughing. I remember the “Just remember the Universe days!”
Sarah says
I love this post!! Communication definitely is key! My husband and I have been married almost four years, together six, and have two little girls. We have a wonderful marriage and it’s because we truly are best friends! We talk all the time, we do fun hobbies together and we’re a team in parenting, working and setting goals. It really is us against the world 🙂
Rachel says
Great article! My mom got married really young (now married 44 yrs) and she would always tell my sisters and I that my parents would think, ” it was us against the world.” I love that you put that phrase here, too. 🙂 I wish more parents would convey marriage takes that commitment to stick together as a team no matter what. I could certainly use some tips communicating with my hubby (of 10 yrs), so I’m going to dig up that book in my ultimate homemaking bundle and give it a try – thanks!
Jessi says
I loved that The Connection Principle – it truly has helped me with communicating and another book that I just finished is The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn. It’s super insightful and has further helped us with communicating. 🙂