I have written about marriage and money many times before but it is a subject that can’t just be written about once and then forgotten about. You have to continually keep working at it. Now, this isn’t going to be a guaranteed financial plan that you can put into action in your marriage. This is going to be a way for you to stop all the fighting so you can get down to the real issues – the root of the problem, whatever it may be.
But I know many couples out there that are struggling. I’ve seen them many times find momentary relief when one or the other receives a bonus check or a well-deserved promotion and raise at work, only to find themselves at each other’s throats a couple of months later.
I don’t know about you, but when I said “I do” on July 24, 2009, I didn’t mean “I do, but only when it’s convenient for me and you’re being the perfect Prince Charming and I’ll only trust you slightly, but I still gotta look out for number one – me”. I’m sure that’s not what you meant either, so why then do we let our actions say that?
Money causes a lot of fights in marriage, or at least it has in mine, but it doesn’t have to.
What Are You Arguing About Most?
Now, I’m not asking you if you’re always arguing about money, that’s way too vague of an answer, I’m asking “what are you specifically fighting about when it comes to money”?
Are you fighting that you can’t seem to stop living paycheck to paycheck, can’t seem to save money, have way too much debt and somehow keep sinking more and more into debt, or is it something else entirely? Knowing the exact thing you are fighting about can help to figure out exactly what your next move needs to be.
For years, my hubs and I have fought over his spending habits. Seriously, my hubs is notorious for spending hundreds of dollars in a day without even realizing it. I wish I could tell you that we never still have this fight occasionally, but we do, but the outcome is different from before.
Since I can show my hubs exactly what he’s spent it’s easy to bring it up to him, but he’s only receptive to it if I approach him out of love and kindness with a team attitude.
What Playing Field are You On?
In one of our epic fights about money, I made a comment that stuck with both of us because it is so true.
“I’m standing on this playing field waiting for my team mate to show up so we can play ball, while he’s three playing fields over playing an entirely different game waiting on me to show up.”
The point of my comment was that we weren’t getting anywhere because we had no idea what our game plan was. My hubs absolutely hates to budget and he would rather pretend the budget didn’t apply to him but it does. And truth be told, I’d honestly rather the budget didn’t apply to him and he could just have his own checking account with money I never see and no access to our bank account.
But that won’t solve anything because we made a commitment 6 years ago to figure out life together, which means figuring out how to share money.
We Need to Talk
Yes, you must talk to your spouse about money and it isn’t easy but you have to do it. You have to talk about things like retirement, emergency funds, paying off debt, paying for vacations, and your budget.
But how the heck do you do that when he or she is so far removed from managing the money?
You make it known to them how important this is to you. In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages *, she found that in her research, spouses genuinely want their spouse to be happy (even in the most struggling couples). They want to see you happy and chances are, if you explain to them how happy and how much peace you’ll receive from discussing the budget, they’ll actually comply.
Now, I caution you that if you attempt to force them or manipulate them in anyway, this will backfire faster than you can say “don’t do it”. The key here to making this work is to approach this with an attitude of genuineness. They need to understand from your body language, tone of voice, and your overall demeanor that you are not attacking them.
I’m Sorry
If you’re reading this, you’re more than likely the money conscious one in your relationship and it’s probably safe to assume that your spouse is the spender or the budget adverse one. But guess what? You are to blame here too.
I know, now you want to stop reading and are probably cussing me out but it’s the truth. Even we budget conscious ones are to blame for our money fights.
Here’s an example of how I’ve been to blame for our money fights in the past:
PAT: “Why are we saving so much money every month if we can’t touch it? That doesn’t make any sense. You say we have no money but you’re putting away hundreds of dollars every month and I don’t know why.”
ME: “Uhhhh, it’s called an emergency fund babe. So if you lose your job or die, this family survives. And the other accounts where the money goes are our Auto Account to fix the cars or replace one if needed, my retirement account, and our slush fund. All of this keeps our heads above water! I don’t understand how you don’t get this.”
PAT: “Okay so then why when I need to fix the truck do you take my head off if we have the money and when did I agree to how much we should save every month?”
Yeah…case-in-point, because all my neighbors can tell you about me taking my hubs’ head off if he has to fix the truck, even when we have the money in our Auto Account. He makes a great point – the whole purpose of that account is so we have the money readily available to fix our cars (which are all older and paid for), so why do I freak out on him when he needs to use it?
And he’s right about one thing – he didn’t help determine the amount we should save, I figured it out without asking for his help. Granted by me making sure we’re saving money I’m helping us avoid potentially catastrophic financial events, but guess what, it’s his money too. He has a right to decide that we should lower the amount we’re saving to add more room into our budget.
This is where I have to suck it up and tell him I’m sorry because I’m just trying to be a bossy boss. We all play into this delicate balancing act between love and money, so it’s important that you own up to your own mistakes.
I know most of this isn’t earth-shattering, brand-new advice but it’s probably something that you’re forgetting. Or at least these are the things I have to remind myself of often. We have to make sure that we’re treating our spouses fairly and that we’re on the same playing field (and preferably the same team).
What is your best advice on handling money in marriage?
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A says
Great post! And it comes at the perfect time, as the husband and I are starting weekly budget meetings 🙂
lydia @ frugaldebtfreelife says
I too am a bossy boss. Like, the bossiest boss ever. Ugh. I hate that about myself. It’s hard to have those honest discussions, but it’s so worth it.
Jessi says
I’m so happy that I’m not the only bossy boss around! 😉 It is so tough admitting that and you rock for being able to! 🙂
Anne Summers says
This is such an important issue, and I know this is something that came up in my marriage. As you say, it can be difficult to communicate about this issue effectively. One thing my friends tried was counseling. My understanding is that it teaches communication skills so that they could have this conversation without getting defensive or mean. At any rate, it’s important to remember that your marriage is more important than money.
Jessi says
Oh I love how you mention “it’s important to remember that your marriage is more important than money”! So true! 🙂
Amy @ DebtGal says
My husband and I are pretty similar with our beliefs about money in general, but every now and again, we (okay, I!) get upset when he spends money in ways I don’t value. I try to remind myself that he feels the same way about some of my choices, and as long as they’re not big expenditures, we need to agree to disagree.
The bigger – to me, anyway – issue we have to work on is that I handle all of the bill paying, financial planning, etc., and he’s perfectly happy to be hands-off and not discuss things. In the past, when our credit card debt was spinning out of control, this was a HUGE source of stress for me. (And such a huge relief when we finally talked about it and made a plan!) But I need to force the issue of monthly meetings with the numbers in front of us – not just monthly discussions about goals, upcoming expenses, etc. – even if he doesn’t love it.
Jessi says
Oh I can totally relate to the hands off hubby with the bill paying and planning. Oh.my.goodness. I swear sometimes it is like pulling teeth to get my husband to sit down and discuss these things. Have y’all taken Financial Peace University yet? It’s definitely made money discussions happen more often in our home and my hubs is more involved now.