Y’all will have to forgive me with this post. I am usually super transparent on here and share every gory detail, but this post will be slightly more vague. Not because I do not think you do not deserve to know the whole story, but because this story involves someone else and I am not okay with sharing their name or their relationship to me without their permission.
This post is all about one of the most challenging decisions I have ever had to make. This post is about someone that I love dearly and someone that is related to me. I will be using the name “Tim” in this post but that is not their real name. Again, please forgive me for being more vague than usual but I feel that this is still an important story to share because many people are in similar situations.
Tim is a great person and is a true “rags to riches” story. Tim grew up poor and spent many years of his childhood sleeping on a fold out lawn chair because his family did not have the money to purchase a bed for him or his siblings. When he married his wife, he had four dollars in his pocket and was every bit struggling to build his business.
Several years later, Tim went from making an average American annual income to well over a six-figure income. He worked hard to get to where he was, but unfortunately, Tim never learned the secret to money – you must manage your money and not let it manage you.
Tim spent money as if it was water and the more and more money he earned, the more money he spent. The problem was that Tim did not spend enough time saving money and building up an emergency fund or retirement account.
I can remember when I was in high school visiting Tim, he opened his desk drawer and there were two huge stacks of credit cards all with balances on them. To Tim, this was a big deal because having so many credit cards meant that his credit was great.
Factor in over a decade of insane uncontrolled spending and the economy tanking and Tim was left with no money. This happened about a year after my own personal financial struggle so my heart bled for Tim. I can remember when I was struggling I asked my mom for money because I was about to be evicted and she told me “no”. Not because she did not have the money but because I had “not learned how to manage my money” and if she just gave me money to save me, I would never learn.
I decided to help Tim out. The problem was that my hubs and I in just over a years’ time bailed Tim out to the tune of about $5,000. Pat and I were still trying to finish paying off my own insane debt and we were newlyweds, so $5,000 might as well have been a million dollars because we were scrapping by to take care of Tim.
When in another attempt to help Tim learn how to manage his money, I suggested to him to sell off several of the items he owned to help make a dent in his enormous debt and to help put money away in savings. He had an old school square body Chevy Silverado that many teenage boys would die over and in fact, I personally knew many people that were willing to buy it from Tim. The only problem with the truck was that it needed a new engine block so Tim said he could not sell it because he would not get what it was worth out of it. When I argued that he could not afford to not sell it because he had no money was about to be evicted he still refused to sell.
I then attempted to convince him to sell his four wheelers, jet skis, lawn mowers, camper, log splitter, and various other items that he owned. He refused to sell any of it.
That night on the way home, I told Pat that we were not bailing Tim out anymore. He was my family and I loved him but if he was not willing to help himself, we were just donating money to a lost cause. My hubs did not like that idea because he knew that meant that Tim was going to lose his home and was going to truly struggle, but my hubs knew that we could not afford to support Tim anymore.
Trust me; it was not easy watching Tim lose his home and struggle to find a place to live. I kept thinking that after he had found a cheaper place to live and had gone bankrupt that he would change. He would start at least trying to manage his money. I was wrong. He still refused to manage his money and still spent money foolishly on things he did not need.
He was evicted again and again. I finally understood the reason behind my mother not giving me money when I was struggling. I had to accept responsibility for my own actions and had to learn how to manage my money on my own. Thankfully, the threat of being evicted and having $0.21 in my checking account and no food in my home forced me to make my first budget as an adult*. Once I took ownership of my mistakes and started managing my money, I was able to save myself.
I wanted that for Tim, but unfortunately, Tim has never learned how to manage his money. He is not a bad guy, just one that refuses to see the error of his own ways. If you are struggling with supporting a family member or friend financially, it may be time to stop. This is not an easy decision and I can tell you that it is not fun to watch someone you love struggle but sometimes the struggle will in fact make that person stronger. I know that it made me stronger and it could have made Tim stronger if he had been willing to try.
Have you ever had to make the difficult decision of letting someone you love struggle?
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I dealt with this with my mom. She felt like we owed her. My husband and I are the only one that has a house and money in savings so she felt we should help her. She smoked a lot and I refused to hand her cash because I knew she was going to use the money for cigarettes and I was not going to do that. If she needed food I would go get what she needed.Most of the time she she said she needed food but then when I would offer to go get her the food she would say never mind. So I knew she needed money to buy cigarettes. I offered to help her budget her money and she would say I don’t make enough money to budget. I tried to explain to her anyone can budget their money. She just refused to and would say it was none of our business what she does with her money but the thing is it is our business when your constantly asking people for money. If I said no she would ask my siblings. It is so frustrating I finally decided this is never going to end and you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. It was very hard but I just couldn’t handle it anymore. Unfortunately she passed away from COPD & Cancer last December.
Oh I’m so sorry to hear that your mom passed away! It is so hard to deal with a parent that won’t listen – that whole “powdered butt” syndrome has played out many times in my hubs’ and mine families.
A lot of people may think that you were being mean, but I think you made the right decision. We are very careful about who we give to, even if it’s family, for this same reason. It’s hard to say no, but sometimes they need to hear it to help take care of themselves. I never let family go hungry, but normally that means giving them food, not cash. Sometimes it’s a good idea to give them what they need instead of money(like food, clothes, etc).
Great post.
Totally agree Hannah! I started giving grocery store gift cards (specific grocery store, not Walmart) for Christmas so they could only spend the money on food related items. It definitely helps me not feel as if I am not helping. Thank you so much for your encouragement! 🙂
I love this story. There still is time for Tim. He just not hit bottom yet. It’s a hard lesson to learn when you have to learn it as an adult.
Best to you both. Beth
Thank you so much Beth! 🙂
We’ve never been asked to give a significant sum of money to a loved one; once, a passing acquaintance who we’d met overseas wrote to us several months later to ask if we could give her $100/month for an indefinite period of time. I actually felt bad saying no, but honestly we didn’t have the money to spare; and I know from experience that people in poorer countries often have this false impression that people in wealthier countries have so much money they’re all but using it for toilet paper, so I also strongly suspected that if we’d agreed, we would’ve been met with more requests from her friends and family asking for the same deal.
I do give to homeless people when I can and when I feel safe doing so. I don’t give large amounts; but if I have change or a spare dollar I’ll give it to them. (I also give larger amounts more formally through registered charities.) Pastor Jim Wallis has a great line in his book, God’s Politics, “Nobody gets into heaven without a letter of recommendation from the poor.” For me, when I give someone on the street some money, it’s not really about the money at all; I remember a conversation I had one Christmas with a homeless man, who told me the worst thing about it is that people pretend he doesn’t even exist. So when I walk up to someone and look them in the eye and hand them the money, it’s as much to say, “I see you, you are important” as anything else.
Oh I love that quote!!! I’m going to have to remember that one. 🙂
I too was constantly being asked to bail out my daughter and finally my husband said enough. We can’t keep giving her money, so I had to tell her no. It was hard but she is so much more responsible today because she had to do it on her own instead of Mom’s money. It is called tough love. It is hard to do but it is for the best.
Yes it is and kudos to you for being an awesome mom Carol! 🙂
I have never been in this situation, and I hope never to be. I really do think that you made the right not decision not only for Tim, but also for your family.
Thank you so much for the encouragement Amy! 🙂
I have a close friend that is in a really bad living situation due to finances. I tried everything possible to help her fix things. Including giving her money. I’ve finally woken up and realized that people like me “helping” her are the reason why she’s still in the situation. Why change when you can stay the same and let everybody else take care of things for you? She isn’t going to change as long as she knows I’m going to bail her out. The last time she asked me for $10, I wanted so badly to say no, but I couldn’t figure out how. i knew if I said “i don’t have it”, she would know I was lying. I’ve decided that my money is for myself and my family and no one else (at least not someone like her). I don’t need any excuses as to why I can’t give it to her.
Sadly, this is my second time in a situation with a person like this. I should’ve learned my lesson the first time. One thing I have learned is that there’s usually someone else that will “help” them even if you won’t.
So true, Elizabeth – why should they learn if there are others willing to bail them out. It is so hard to tell those you care about no to giving them money. You’re doing the right thing and one day, maybe she will learn. 🙂
Hi Jessi,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I too have somewhat of the same problem. I have a family member that lives below me and doesn’t pay any bills and I’m not sure what to do about it because I feel bad for evicting him because he has 2 kids and pays child support on 2 other children and the court system raises his child support every month and has a felony on his record so can’t get a job for nothing. Every time I think of tough love I think what are his kids because their mother is useless. I have helped him get jobs and he just don’t call them or he says he has something else lined up but he has been living with my for over a year and a half. My husband and I have children of our own and struggle enough but it doesn’t seem to bother him and it aggravates me. If you have any helpful advice PLEASE SHARE !!!!! Thanks
Hi Samantha! I hate hearing that, especially because children are involved. Maybe you could start slowly with letting him know that can no longer afford to bail him out financially and that he will have to find a job on his own or his family will have to leave because you simply can’t afford it. I know that with Tim I had to be super blunt that we couldn’t afford it anymore and it wasn’t easy but I think most people get it when you look them in the eye and straight up say that you can’t afford taking care of them anymore so they are on their own. It definitely is not easy and I wish I had better advice for these types of situations but unfortunately I don’t. You’re amazing and I know that you will come out on top in this situation and I hope your family member will learn from their mistakes.
I’m sorry ladies if I’m the naysayer, but i feel it is immoral to let your family on the street. Just because someone is irresponsible does not mean they should not have a warm bed and food to eat, especially a family member. Think about if something happened that u lost everything & needed mercy. I have been in countries where there are no local homeless people & no old folks homes either. Family is prized above everything else. I’m not saying give until your homeless, but if they need one, at least provide a place to sleep & food while u help them regroup. I hope I don’t offend anyone. I truly say these words with a loving heart & pray God grants everyone a good solution.
Hi Winter! I definitely do not think it is immoral to allow your family on the street. Trust me, this was the hardest decision of my life. Made with lots of prayers and tears but ultimately we could not afford to help someone that would not help themselves. Tim is not helpless – he is fully capable of taking care of himself. The problem is that he has refused. I cannot allow my family to suffer in order to help him fix his mistakes. I love Tim very much in a way that only family can and watching him dig himself into a hole has not been fun to watch. I only say this because I was in a similar situation and was refused money. I was facing eviction but I pulled myself out when I realized there were no other options. The difference and why I have peace with my decision is that Tim refused to do anything to help himself. He was hoping that others would continue to bail him out so he did not have to let go of his trophies. I’ve seen what real poverty looks like in other countries first hand and it is earth shattering. It is heart breaking but Tim is no where near at that level of poverty even if he does not have two nickels to rub together.
I had to spend some time thinking about this post. There are some people who won’t ever tap into their full-potential to help themselves because they don’t believe that they can. I believe in helping family but I can’t help those who don’t help themselves. Because that’s like pouring water into a bucket with a hole and it’s also draining for the giver. It’s a very frustrating situation to be put in and I’m sorry that you had to go through this.
So true Michelle! You really can’t help those that won’t help yourself and I’m a firm believer that there is a difference between helping someone who truly needs it and will work and helping someone that needs it but won’t work to help themselves. Thank you so much for your encouragement! 🙂
These situations are difficult. On one hand, I think we all hate to see people suffer, we all want to do what we can to help, but sometimes we wonder if efforts to help aren’t just enabling others to continue to make bad choices and avoid personal responsibility.
I think my Grandma got it right. She raised eight children, including five boys, during the Great Depression. She lived across the street from railroad tracks, and hobos frequently came by and asked for food or money to buy something to eat. My Grandma’s heart ached for the lives so many were forced to lead due to such desperate circumstances.
However, there was also a tavern right down the street, and my Grandma was aware that whatever money she gave could get spent there. Her solution? No matter how little food there was in the house, she never turned away any hobo who asked for something to eat, but she never gave out any money.
I guess we all need to find ways to be caring and compassionate without enabling bad behavior.
Ugh, I can’t even imagine having to cope with that. I don’t think I would’ve been willing to give a loved one a penny until they HAD sold all those items, but I can totally understand wanting to help someone you love. What a lousy position to be in.