In times of crisis, times of the unknown, times of pain, loss and suffering – thinking clearly and making sound decisions is nearly impossible. Many of my readers know that I recently lost my Daddy to cancer. It was by far the most challenging thing I have ever been through.
My Daddy was one of the greatest men that I know. I loved him in the way only a little girl can love her Daddy. Losing loved ones is never easy. I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom to give you during those times, but unfortunately, I don’t.
But, I can tell you what made this difficult situation easier. My parents are divorced and since my Daddy wasn’t married, the decisions of deciding his burial and funeral fell to my brother and I. So, in an effort to help you make these types of decisions easier for the ones that you will leave behind, I thought I’d share what you can do in order to make this challenging time more bearable:
Last Wishes
Knowing your loved ones last wishes makes the hardship of those left behind making the decisions easier. My brother and I were fortunate enough that our Daddy had told us a long time ago to not bury him in a suit, but in his jeans, boots, and a button down shirt and that he wanted to be cremated.
Make sure you let your loved ones know what your wishes are by either having a Will that clearly defines them or by telling them so they will know. This was a huge blessing for my brother and I because we knew what our Daddy’s last wishes were so there was no need to argue over them. We just had to pick out the cremation plan and sign on the dotted line.
Life Insurance
I’ve mentioned on this blog many times that you need to have life insurance. It doesn’t matter if you are a 21-year-old stay-at-home mom in excellent health, you need life insurance. My Mama thankfully had kept her life insurance policy on my Daddy even though they have been divorced for over twenty years. And even though my Daddy’s memorial and cremation was not super expensive and both my brother and I could have afforded to pay cash for it ourselves, it was such a blessing to not have to worry about it.
Term Life Insurance is cheap and I highly recommend everyone have a policy to lessen the burden on those that you leave behind.
It’s Just Stuff
Fighting over who gets what after someone dies just baffles me. I mean it’s just stuff y’all, it can’t bring your loved one back and your memories are not in material things. Trust me, there were things that I wanted of my Daddy’s that brother got but fighting over it would be childish and just silly to me because I have all my memories of my Daddy and I’d rather have those than his stuff.
I encourage you to remember that fighting over your loved ones things is silly and childish. Just let it go because chances are, your loved one wouldn’t have wanted you to fight over it in the first place. Of course, your loved one may have in their Will who gets what stuff so then there won’t be any fighting over it, but if they don’t, just let it go. This is why I encourage you to have a Will in place so your loved ones do know what you want done with your stuff – especially the big stuff like vehicles, homes, jewelry, etc. I also believe that it is important to teach your children now that material things are just things and that in the end they don’t matter because as the old adage says “I’ve never seen a U-Haul behind a hearse”. You can’t take it with you when you die.
If you haven’t already created your Will or purchased Life Insurance, these resources are a big help in getting those squared away:
LegalZoom (Where you can create your Will online)
Writing a Will (by USA.gov)
Details on the different types of Life Insurance policies (by Good Financial Cents)
Dave Ramsey’s ELP Program (this is how I found my insurance agent and policy)
These are just a few of the things that make it more bearable on those that you leave behind when dealing with your death. I encourage you to make it easier on them by having well-defined plans, a Will in place, and life insurance. They will thank you for it.
What advice can you give for making times of heartache easier on those left behind?
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I am truly sorry for your loss. I’m sure being pregnant makes this all the more emotional. I’m saying some prayers for your strength.
My daddy passed away while I was in high school. It was unexpected and we were totally unprepared financially, emotionally, and in every other way.
Mom took this as a lesson. She increased her life insurance. She documented policies and bills in a binder. She had copies of her living will and will. We never found the binder. It was posdibk with her in the car accident that took her life. In today’s day and age – an electronic place would be a good idea.
I am so sorry for the loss of your parents Kirsten! I can’t even imagine and that is awesome of your mom to do all of that for y’all. I agree, an electronic place would be a great place to store things – I usually keep a paper copy of everything in our fireproof safe, plus I give a copy to mom to have just case the fireproof safe fails. I’m super paranoid. :-/
Again, sorry for your loss. This is never easy.
Burying 2 beloved uncles 10 month apart I will say this: emotions. People run high with emotions and you have to be careful and be supportive and not take it personal. People forget that other mourn differently. This is when you see the fighting and the hateful words because people are so consumed with emotion and trying to deal with it. I have to say that I agree with you 100% with everything you said above and sadly many families don’t think about this nor talk about this.
Oh that had to be so tough Joyce! And you are so right, people do run high with emotions during the grieving process. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Jessi, I am so sorry for your loss and I am praying for comfort and peace during this time. I am so glad you know Jesus and talk boldly about your faith. And thank you for sharing this post.
Thank you so much Lydia. I truly appreciate your kindness and prayers! 🙂
Once again I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult this time is for you and your loved ones.
My parents had to bear the brunt of the responsibility for their parents’ deaths; so they’ve made things so easy for us. They’re both alive; but have prepaid everything for their funerals, right down to the flowers. It’s a bit weird because their stone is already on the ground (all we have to do is get the engraver to put in their death dates – that’s been prepaid too) and every time we visit my dad says, “Hey, let’s go look at our gravesite!” They’ve left funeral plans with their lawyer as well as in a binder called “funeral plans”. The lawyer and the binder also have a copy of their wills. They’ve prepared ahead of time there too by putting everything into a trust; right now they are the trustees and beneficiaries but when they pass we become the trustees and beneficiaries. This can be a very useful tax minimisation strategy (although their estate isn’t large enough to attract death taxes).
A few years ago they downsized (massively) from a 3 storey house to a 1 bedroom apartment. When that happened all of us gathered; we all drew a number from 1 to 5 (there are 5 of us girls) and took turns choosing family heirlooms from the things my parents were getting rid of. There are more in the apartment; but my parents have left instructions for most of that in their wills. Everything of value has been allocated so there won’t be a lot of fighting about who gets what.
One of the best ideas I’ve heard for dealing with the estate is what my husband’s father and his brothers and sisters did for their parents’ things – they held a silent auction. The various family members wrote down bids for what they wanted; the highest bid got it; all of the money went into a kitty and was divided between the siblings. I thought that as a really creative way of solving a difficult problem.
That is a creative way for dealing with the dilemma of “who gets what”. I really like that Becca! 🙂 And your parents are super awesome for being so prepared like that – that will definitely make it all so much easier on you and your siblings. You have some great parents! 🙂
Jessi, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family are finding some comfort in your memories.
Conversations about death, last wishes, and memorial desires are uncomfortable and difficult to have, but they are essential. My mother recently told me that she really likes the idea of gravestones with pictures on them, since it makes the person and their life seem more real. She would like to have one of them herself, and I never would’ve known this, had we not discussed it.
I love your mom’s idea! She’s so right, that really does make their life seem real. 🙂 And thank you so much for your encouragement Amy!
Preparing for death is important for anybody that has responsibilities. It seems that a lot of people don’t understand the importance of that kind of thinking. We all think that we are invincible and place a huge burden on our loved ones when we unexpectedly pass away. That is why it is so imperative to make proper arrangements now. I’m so happy that you made a point about that. http://www.dobsonsmonumental.com.au/granite/outdoor/
Thank you so much for sharing such a personal experience to help others. Obviously nobody ever wants to have to think about or deal with death, either theirs or a loved one’s. It’s something that is important to do, though, and this article definitely helps me know where to start! Thank you again!
You are so very welcome Veronica!
Death is a very hard thing, and sadly, all of us will lose people we love. You made a great point about not fighting over money and things after our loved ones die. To me, fighting over something so unimportant is dishonoring them. Before my grandmother died, she had written instructions for her burial and a will. My mother and I made sure her burial went exactly as grandma wanted. I think it is important for everyone to create a will at some point in their lives. It may help to stop some of the fighting between family members during their time of loss. Thank you for sharing.
My grandparents actually planned their own funerals, down to the caskets and flowers and venue, so we didn’t have to spend our grieving time on the phone, making a bunch of plans and trying to figure out something we think they’d like. I know I also want to be cremated when I pass. I’ve seen some amazing things done with ashes lately. I think I’d want to be buried with a tree sapling on family property, and maybe some of my ashes pressed into a diamond ring or necklace, or perhaps mixed into a glass memorial piece like Artful Ashes does. Funerals are already expensive enough without spending thousands on a wooden box to decay in. I’m totally okay with not having any kind of a grave marker.